On Crystal Balls and Bingo

What Should I Do Tonight...

It’s counterintuitive to travel outside into the world when your every instinct is to hide from it.

I have been hiding, you know.

Every day the news gets worse. Every day a new horror. I bet you keep your phone by the bed, don’t you? It’s the first thing you look at when you wake up. And you unwrap the day’s news like an ugly Christmas present. It sets the tone. And, depending upon what kind of person you are, makes you either want to fight or cower. Maybe a little bit of both.

I admit I’ve been cowering. Hiding. Most days, I just can’t take it and, I have to admit also that, on some level, I may have become addicted to the anxiety, the fear.

Anxiety and fear are just as addictive as pleasure, you know.

Your mind tricks itself into believing its doing something about the problem by obsessively worrying. But, in the end, it does nothing except wrack your body and destroy small pockets of this limited time we all have to live.

I admit freely that I have been hiding. Doing what I can monetarily to help causes that I think are important but still hiding. Obsessively flipping through my phone like a madman looking for some hint of a miracle that I know isn’t there and will never materialize. Hoping against hope to somehow be able to predict the future.

That’s what you’re doing when you obsessively search the news, you know.

You’re using the phone as if it were some sort of talisman that’s going to tell you that everything will be alright. Staring into it like a crystal ball. Treating talking heads on the news like soothsayers when, in reality, they don’t know what’s going to happen any more than you do.

I’m miserable, you know.

But today, my friend David texted me and said:

“You ever been to Outrageous Bingo? It’s a monthly fundraiser for the Equality Center. I have 2 extra tickets for bingo tonight. LMK if you want them. It’s a fun evening out. Would love to see you.

I have 2 tickets if you wanted to bring a +1 and we’re going to Tram’s for Vietnamese before. You’re welcome to join for that also if you wish. Either way, please lmk.”

I’ve been staring at this message for a long time without replying.

It’s counterintuitive to travel outside into the world when your every instinct is to hide from it, you know.

I haven’t had a fun evening out in a long long time. But every muscle in my body is telling me to stay home. Something bad will happen. That the world’s cruelty will rush the doors of that Bingo hall and punish all the queer folk inside for daring to try to have fun. Every sinew tells me to stay home. Do what I always do. Stare into the crystal ball all night until my teeth grind with anxiety.

But, tonight, I think I want to fight against that feeling. Something tells me that there might be hope in the Bingo hall if I just let go of the comforting misery that has consumed me for the past several months. If I just abandoned hopelessness for a little while.

Maybe I should try to live a little, you know.

We can’t let this man, these people, this regime, take absolutely everything. So, when I am done typing this for you, I’m hoping I’ll pick up my crystal ball and use it for something that might help my mental health rather than work to destroy it.

I might say:

“Hey David! Thanks for thinking of me! I’d love to go to Outrageous Bingo with you and have a good time and forget, just for a little while, that we are living in a hot, greased frying pan of trouble . I think I, all of us really, deserve moments of respite. Moments where we are not covered head to toe in strife. Thanks for thinking of me David. I’ll be there!”

I might say that. Or I might do what I usually do. Sit alone and wonder what horrors are going to befall us next while trying to predict future horrors. In these times, it feels irresponsible to do anything else.

I hope I make the right decision.